Memorial Service, January 18, 2009, 3PM

We will hold a memorial service for my mother on Sunday, January 18, 3 PM EST at St. Andrews United Methodist Church. Address: 327 Marlton Pike West, Cherry Hill, NJ 08002.

For distant family and friends, I plan on establishing a phone number you can call to listen to the service (and, if so moved, to share a story or a thought about my mother). More details soon...

Thank you all for your expressions of sympathy and love.

-tom

Christmas Day

It’s been sad to spend the first Christmas without our mother. An abrupt and disorienting change to the familiar rhythms of the holidays: meals and cooking, joy and laughter, ritual and ceremony. We will spend this time honoring and missing her.

Our time with her in the hospital this past week was difficult. Through it all we have been lifted up by the expressions of concern, support and love from many friends and family. Thank you.

We will hold a memorial service for my mother in New Jersey in mid-January. I will post the details soon on this blog. If you are unable to attend, I am working on an approach for you to participate remotely.

-tom

Elizabeth Sanders Graf (1923 - 2008)

Our mother worked all through the night, breathing steadily, eyes closed, lying flat and straight on the bed. After seven hours, her breathing slowed then stopped. She left us at 6:30 AM, departing with the same grace and dignity she demonstrated in life.

-tom

Tuesday (early) Morning Update

Monday night our mother was struggling to breathe. Her heart rate was erratic, often shockingly high. She looked in distress and almost out of strength. We could not abide her suffering.

After discussing the scenario all day with doctors and nurses, Bill and I asked them to remove her breathing tube, fulfilling her expressed wish for a peaceful, unassisted end. Then we sat with her and waited.

Now, four hours later at 3 AM, her body is relaxed and she is breathing on her own -- not easy breaths, but not frantic either. Her heart is beating fast but steady. The stress we saw in her earlier is gone. Although this reprieve may only be temporary, we are glad to have our mother with us still.

-tom

Sunday Night Update, December 21, 2008

I just returned to the hospital in New Jersey after spending the weekend with my family in Baltimore (Bill remained with my mother). I was anxious to observe any changes in her condition.

I wish I had better news. Her vital signs are stable, but she is unconscious and remains on a ventilator and feeding tube. Her face is emotionless. Fidgety and antsy last Monday, her body is now quiet and inert, each day relaxing deeper into the bed. Her life is slowly slipping away.

Bill and I are beginning to prepare for the end, honoring her wish to depart in peace with dignity. We are so sad to lose this kind, selfless and loving woman, our mother.

-tom

Friday Update

We have been told that brain hemorrhage swelling typically begins to recede after 3 days, when we might begin to see more responsiveness and activity in my mother. We hit the 3-day point overnight.

Sadly, her physical condition and presence has been slowly declining all week. Day to day, there is less of “her” here with us. Even though we passed the 3-day mark today, we do not see any positive changes.

She is off the sedative but not awake and still on the ventilator in the Critical Care Unit. She is peaceful and her vital signs are good, under the circumstances. My brother and I are with her until late each night. Her closest friends have visited, relaying well-wishes from many, many others.

We are hoping for a quiet weekend with any signs of recovery. Monday will begin a new week and we will see what that brings. Thank you all for your concerns and prayers. If you have any messages for my mother, click on "COMMENTS" below to enter them and we will pass them on.

-tom

My mother's stroke on December 15, 2008

My mother suffered a stroke on Monday morning, December 15, in her independent-living apartment at Collingswood Manor in New Jersey. On Sunday she was driving around doing errands and chores. The next morning she had settled down after breakfast to work on her Christmas cards and a little later housekeeping staff found her slumped in her chair and unconscious. They brought her to the emergency room at Our Lady of Lourdes hospital, 1 mile away in Camden, the top stroke treatment center in South Jersey.

Her friends Nancy Monk and Jim & Susan Badaracco were with her when I arrived from Baltimore around 3PM. My mother was semi-conscious, answered simple questions and responded to our presence. Based on the initial testing, a clot had caused the stroke and the loss of blood damaged the left side of her brain. My brother Bill and I decided that we would see how the initial test results and her recovery looked before he came out from Denver to join us. I remained with her while she was moved to a room in the hospital and she squeezed my hand when I left for the night.

Sometime overnight she had another stroke, this time from a hemorrhage. When this was found in her morning CT scan, we were rushed down to the Critical Care Unit to get her system under control and halt the internal bleeding. I called Bill and he arrived late Tuesday night.

Her signs are now stable but she is on a ventilator, has been sedated and cannot communicate. The strokes caused major damage and we just need to wait with her as she slowly recovers to see what happens next.

We have been very pleased with the quality of care in this hospital -- doctors, nurses and all other caregivers and staff. Bill and I are receiving support from family, friends and Paster Gina Hendrickson from Mom’s beloved St. Andrews United Methodist Church.

I will periodically post updates to my mother’s status here. I invite you to send words of encouragement and support (either click on "COMMENTS" or enter a message in the "POST A COMMENT" area below. You can use the "anonymous" profile.) that we will pass on to her.

Please keep my mother in your prayers.

Tom